Twatlight A Parody
by Virtuous Vampire
Summary: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. They snuggled together lovingly, but when the lamb licked the lion's nose sexily, he ran away to protect his virtue. Spoof. R&R!
1. Preface

**Twatlight-A Parody**

**Preface**

I'd never given much thought to how I would die. Pfff! Yeah right! Emo teen that I am, I had several suicide options at the ready. Pretty colourful ones if I do say so myself. I had read 'The Book Of Bunny Suicides' as research. Anyway, I never imagined it like this.

Being forced to watch a menacing vampire dance like a ballerina in my old ballet studio. Oops, sorry for ruining the suspense of such a great story. All my suicide attempts that I had sketched out in my head had been quick and relatively painless. But as I'm sure you know, vampires have amazing stamina and I would be forced to endure hours if not days of spectacular dancing. I'm clumsy. Not in an annoying way, in a endearing, adorable way. The hunter had picked up on this and thought it would hurt me if he performed the moves that I had failed to perfect in my childhood. Damn, the guy knew how to make a girl suffer. After a few days of this, I would no doubt be clawing my own eyes out in shame.

It was worth it though-my death meant nothing as long as a loved one lived instead. That was me trying to sound brave and selfless. Honestly, I didn't care much about my Mom. I don't really care about people. They're just annoying and nothing compared to those gorgeous vampires. Ooops, I mean I love my Mom and she's my best friend even though I obviously don't know the first thing about her.

I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death right now. I probably would have orchestrated a quick jump off a cliff and have faced death a lot sooner. And no matter how tempting this sounded I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision. If I hadn't come to Forks, I wouldn't have met _him._ And he was the one thing that kept me anchored on earth. Not because he's a particularly nice guy, but he's damn fine. That's all that matters.

The hunter smiled reassuringly as he sauntered forward to begin the dance of death.

Or ballet, whatever.


	2. First Sight

**Hey guys, sorry this has taken a while and I hope you all enjoy. Please let me know what you think. I hope this is funny enough! Thanks to all who reviewed and added this to their favorites lists etc**

**As always, read and review!**

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**1. First Sight**

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. I think she was hoping that I would jump out. Crazy lady- I'm skinny but not _that _skinny. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. It sickened me. Why did God hate me so much?

I was travelling to Forks, Washington. It would be cloudy there and that also sickened me. What? A girl needs to moan about something.

My mother fled from Forks with me when I was a few months old. Perhaps she wanted to escape the claustrophobia of a town locked in by clouds. Alas, invisible clouds followed and manifested themselves in my mind, so I became dark and reclusive. Or some pretentious emo shit.

"Bella honey, remember that you can visit me anytime except, you know, not literally. Bella?"

She then turned her attention away from the road to find me trying to decapitate myself by rolling the window up against my beautiful _swan-like_ neck. Look! I made a pun!

"Bella!"

"Sorry, old habits die hard and all," I muttered as I settled back into my seat. My neck was sore and the pain made me sing inside.

"Don't you dare try that on the plane….well even if you do ask the air hostess's assistance."

"Sure thing."

We then hugged awkwardly and I got on the plane.

The four hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle was torture. Fluffy clouds danced outside my window in the shapes of baby elephants and marshmallows. I screeched in terror and had to be forced into a straightjacket after I started to thrash wildly. I think everyone overreacted-I mean were the screams of "Terrorist! Terrorist!" from the other passengers really necessary? Luckily the hour long flight to Port Angeles was more bearable. The clouds were dark and menacing now and I could see the silhouettes of puppies being strangled by their owners. I let out a happy sigh and slept for the remainder of the journey.

Charlie sure seemed shocked when I had to be escorted off the plane by security.

"Um, good to see you Bells. Mind telling me why you're in a straightjacket?"

Charlie is very perceptive. When he engulfed me in an awkward hug, he noticed that I didn't hug him back and realised I was in a straightjacket. Or you know, he saw it on me beforehand. Whatever.

"There were too many fluffy clouds. I'm emo."

"Oh….well lets get you out of this thing," I could tell I was making him uncomfortable.

"Cha-DAD, would you mind getting my bag first? I can't very well carry it in my mouth like some kind of animal."

We got in the cruiser and drove home. It was awkward as hell and considering we were in a police car and I was still in the straightjacket(the airport didn't have spare scissors to cut me out.) we were sending out a weird message to the population of Forks.

Charlie, bless him, tried to break the ice.

"Hey, I bought you a beat up old smelly truck!"

"It'll match my beat up old smelly personality!"

We laughed hysterically for about five seconds before I collected myself and remembered that emos should only laugh when there are no witnesses.

The town was beautiful as I had feared. Too green, like vomit.

We reached the house. The truck was parked outside. It was faded and old-kinda like me. Woah, that's deep. I loved it instantly.

"Thanks Dad! I really love it. Uh, since I can't hug you would you mind just patting my head?"

"Uh, okay then."

He patted my brown chestnut locks and I purred like the engine of a beat up old smelly truck. He looked mildly disturbed. Meh.

Once we entered the kitchen, Charlie cut the straightjacket open with a pair of scissors. He's cool like that. He also doesn't hover and had the common sense to let me unpack by myself in my new cave…I mean room. I let a few stray tears escape but decided to leave my tantrum until bedtime so I would have something to look forward to at the end of the day.

It freaked me out that Forks High School would be so small. There would be no chance of fading in with the background. I would be the freaky girl from a big city whose father had to introduce her to the town in a straightjacket. The girl with no personality or hobbies who cut herself and sometimes cried for no reason. The brunette albino with no figure. The girl who couldn't play any sport without causing a nuclear holocaust.

I was scrawny yet soft, plain yet striking, little nicks combined with wide gashes dancing along the flesh of my long arms. I was DUN DUN DUN!-an outcast.

I didn't relate well to people. Except my mother. Nah, just kidding I didn't relate well to anyone.

I didn't sleep well that night, big surprise. There was a faint drizzle outside when I awoke. I cried creating rain of my own. Ha!

Breakfast was awkward. Charlie left quickly. He jumped out the window when he couldn't take the silence any longer. Wimp. I could sit through _hours_ of embarrassingly long moments which created thousands upon thousands of gay babies. Hey, can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, right? Ooooh, I am a witty girl today!

The high I had gained from my witty thought lasted all of five seconds and darkness consumed me again.

The drive to school was bearable. There were many buildings in the institution of Forks High School. I parked in front of the first building and then reluctantly entered the front office. There was a red-haired receptionist behind the desk. She looked up, as if sensing the gaping hole in the centre of the room that housed my lost soul. Or she saw my shadow.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm Isabella Swan," I informed her and saw a flash of recognition shine through her eyes.

"Isabella Mary-Sue Swan? The batshit crazy daughter of the sheriff?"

"It's Isabella Marie Swan FYI. I deem your latter comment correct."

"Sorry, here's your schedule."

I retreated to my truck and noticed that other students had started to arrive. The nicest car in the lot was a shiny Volvo. I felt drawn to the vehicle as if it were my soul mate. _Oh, think of the shiny yet emotionally crippled children…_I sighed long fully.

I entered the classroom for English. I had already read everything on the booklist. Oh the pain….

The end of class held a surprise for me.

"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?" a nerdy, completely unattractive boy asked. I'm not shallow but I could do sooo much better. I felt I had this intuitive knowledge that I was destined for someone prettier…sparklier.

"Bella", I corrected the plain boy.

"Can I walk you to your next class? If you wanna keep your shoes clean I don't mind you using me as a mat to wipe them."

"Okay", at least the disgusting peasant knew that he should worship me.

The peasant's name was Eric and he thankfully didn't have Trig with me. I started to recognise the same faces from the different classes. Although it made me want to puke, I sat with these lowly mortals because it would look too conspicuous if I sat in a corner and started cutting myself. Then my life changed…I saw them.

In the corner of the cafeteria sat two gorgeous girls and three gorgeous boys. They were like gods incarnate, statuesque beings that made everyone else look like shit in comparison. In short they were all sexy as hell.

"Damn!!! Who are they?" I asked the mere mortal girl from my Spanish class whose name I'd forgotten.

Before she could answer the youngest boy looked up and met her inquisitive stare, before resting his eyes on me.

I dropped my gaze at once, ashamed that I had let the muddy dull brown of my eyes tarnish the topaz honey butterscotch of the boys perfect orbs. The puny mundane creature beside me giggled in embarrassment and then made introductions.

"Those are the Cullens. They're all adoptive children of Dr. Cullen and his wife. They have wild orgies every night. They're cold and unresponsive now because they're saving their energy for later."

I had already stopped listening to her idle prattle as I stared at the beautiful boy tearing up his food. _I wish he'd tear me up like that…_

"Whose the one with the reddish brown hair?" I asked, not caring that I had just cut her off in mid sentence.

" I was being sarcast- Oh, that's Edward. He's gorgeous, but don't waste your time. He's either gay or doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I offered him head once and he all but puked in my face before running away screaming."

The Cullens left then and Edward didn't look at me again. Why should he? I was a hideous.

I entertained the children for a while longer and one of them offered to walk me to Biology. I sniffed her up and down before accepting her offer, making sure her scent was worthy.

We walked in silence and when we reached the lab the only available seat was by Edward Cullen. I walked towards the spare seat beside him. I suddenly stopped as a look of loathing and disgust spread across his perfectly sculpted face. Oh God! Had I farted? Just because the gas was silent didn't mean it wasn't deadly. I looked around quickly. No, nobody else had noticed. Huh.

I had no choice but to sit next to the perfect God, the brilliance that emanated from him should have crushed my ordinariness but I lived. Although his random hostility towards me was unprovoked and mildly terrifying, it made me sigh with happiness. He was thinking about me! So what if he didn't fantasise about kissing me passionately? _Any _attention from a guy that hot was good. He could hit me if he wanted to, hell I'd let him treat me like I treated my minions(I mean fellow classmates) if he'd only grace me with a smidgen of interest.

My wish was granted. He glared at me throughout the lesson. As soon as the bell rang he bolted leaving me wishing for blow to the face that never came.

I stared blankly after him not knowing how to function, like a puppet whose strings had just been severed.

"Aren't you Isabella Swan?" a baby-faced earthling asked.

God! Not another boy pining for my attention. I may have been hideous but I was above his standards that's for sure.

"I'm Mike. Mind if I walk you to gym?"

"Fine," I sighed.

As we entered the gym he asked a question.

"So what did you do to Edward Cullen? He looked like he was in pain or something."

"Uh, I think he had a headache," my heart soared at the mention of my master, I mean classmate.

"Yeah, either that or he's a PMSing bitch," Mike laughed.

_Blasphemy! How dare you insult a God! I shall stab you for your insolence!_

Sadly, I had left my knife at home.

I sat and watched the kids play volleyball. Every time someone got hit I tried to imagine what Edward Cullen's fist would feel like ramming into my ugly face…good times.

The final bell rang and I headed back to the home office.

Edward Cullen was in there and he was trying to alter his schedule! Oh noes! How could he even think of doing such a thing? We had just found each other.

His back stiffened(sadly that was the only thing that did) when he felt my presence in the room.

"Never mind! It doesn't matter! I'll just have to suffer through it!"

He then ran out of the office with his beautiful hair bouncing like in a shampoo commercial. Why couldn't I have hair like that?

I drove home trying to hold back tears as I realised that the beautiful butterfly boy no longer wanted to waste time hating me.

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Should I continue?xxx


	3. Open Book

**Hey there, sorry about taking so long to update! I hope this was worth the wait! It's my birthday today so I felt like uploading something. Merry Christams and a Happy New Year and as always-R&R!**

**Brat~**

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**Twatlight- Open Book**

The next day was worse. It was worse because the two ugly boys Nerdy Mike and Chess Club Eric were fighting over me as if I were something one of them might actually attain. Stupid, unworthy boys. It was worse because not as many people were looking at me today and I felt that I was beginning to fade into the background. It was worse because I caused severe injuries during volleyball-one cracked skull and one broken leg. Behold my clumsiness! It is my one true character flaw that is obviously not a real character flaw. Ah loopholes, how my creator loves them. Finally, today was worse because the beautiful Edward Cullen, who now possessed my soul and whatever little personality I originally had, wasn't in school at all. Oh the woe! Oh the mind numbing angst!

Throughout the morning I dreamed of him sending me dirty looks, of gritting those perfect, pearly, teeth in annoyance, of tearing at the beautiful, rich, bronze locks and of clawing his perfect topaz orbs from his eye sockets.

Alas, when I walked into the cafeteria with my "friend" Jessica he wasn't there. His siblings sat together as normal but I felt his absence like a knife stabbing me in the gut and not in a good way.

Nerdy Mike interrupted us and as we all sat down together I tuned out and waited for my soul mate to arrive, like the faithful lapdog that I was.

He didn't arrive and I practically ran to Biology in my eagerness to see him. The Fates had conspired against me-he wasn't there either. Nerdy Mike lingered at my desk, inhaling my immaculate scent, before leaving to sit next to a girl with braces and a bad perm. If I find myself so ugly, why do I insult others? The answer is that although I am described as plain I am in fact gorgeous. See Kristen Stewart for further proof.

I would have to do something about Nerdy Mike. Sadly, I was too perfect and kind-hearted to let him down gently. I would have to ram him with my truck and make it look like an accident….but then my truck would have his gross smell stuck to it forever…decisions, decisions.

I gnawed at the desk like a starved rat, wanting to distract myself from the Divine One's absence. I couldn't help but feel that I was the cause for his truancy, not that I'm self-absorbed or anything.

Once school was over I decided to drive to the supermarket to buy food as I had discovered the night before that Charlie couldn't cook worth a damn. It would be my duty as the self-insert daughter to show off my innate, Mary-Sue, culinary skills.

As I was leaving the school I noticed that the Cullens were walking towards a shiny Volvo. I took note of their clothes for the first time. Before I had been too fixated on those perfect asses, I mean, faces. They got to wear designer clothes _and_ be *insert complicated unnecessary adjective here* beautiful too? Oh the woe.

It felt normal inside the supermarket. I used to put my Mary-Sueish skills to good use at home so I almost felt like I belonged in the world again as I shopped.

Once I finished preparing Charlie's dinner I went upstairs to begin my homework. Before I tackled the workload, I checked my e-mail for the first time. I had three messages from my mom. Oh jeez, I was meant to be her best friend and yet I had failed to think of her since I arrived. How neglectful of me.

_You do realise I was joking about jumping off the plane, right? How are you? Alright back to me. I'm packing for Florida. Do you know where my pink blouse is? Do you know where Phil's toothbrush is? He says hi._

And people wonder why I'm so self absorbed. I read the next one which was sent eight hours after the first one.

_Bella, please write back! I have no clean blouse to wear and Phil's breath smells rank!_

The last was from this morning.

_Isabella Mary-Sue Swan, if you don't reply soon I'll have to go to the airport half naked and I'll never be able to kiss Phil again! You selfish, selfish girl!_

I wrote my reply without an ounce of enthusiasm.

_Mom,_

_Calm down. Phil's toothbrush is under the sink where it always is and your blouse is in my closet because you hung it there by accident last week. Everything is dark and dank here so it mirrors my empty soul. Please grow a backbone as I won't be checking my e-mail every five minutes. I love you. Ewww…._

_Bella.=(_

With that done, I decided to read _Wuthering Heights_ again for kicks. I'd obviously read it before. It is an important character trait that I am bookish as more girls who are reading this will be able to identify with me. I loved Heathcliff as he reminded me of my master-volatile, dashing, overly Byronic….sigh. So engrossed was I in my reverie that I dozed off. I dreamt of Edward Cullen beating the crap out of Nerdy Mike and Chess Club Eric. Sadly, Charlie had to arrive home when things were reaching a climax.

Over dinner I tried to think of a way to subtly work the Cullens into the conversation but Charlie interrupted my thoughts.

"So, How was school? Have you made any friends?"

There was a long pause before we both burst out laughing.

"Bwahahahaha! Yeah, I'll invite them over some time and introduce you guys!"

That set us off again until tears were falling from our eyes.

"No seriously though, do you, like, sit with any kids?"

"Um, yeah. There's this girl called Jessica and this guy called Mike Newton. What do you know about the Cullen family?"

"Well, they're all damn fine, obviously. Dr. Cullen is a great man."

Was that a touch of lust I detected in my father's eye? Maybe I could use this to my advantage…I could set up a blind date and my master could tag along….

"It'll never work Bells, he's married after all," he sighed, having read my thoughts.

Meh, can't blame a gal for trying. Charlie left to watch the TV before I could interrogate him further about my beloved. I suspected that he was really crying over his unrequited love. Poor guy.

I had to wash the dishes by hand because we had no dishwasher. I'm so generous and sensitive that I would never complain.

The week was boring. As my heart and soul were bound to the youngest Cullen, I was only present in theory. I sat in class and injured others in gym but all the while completely void of any passion. I was like a zombie, only not as disgusting.

I did my chores at the weekend and went to the library but didn't bother getting a card. I'm such a rebel.

On Monday we had a pop quiz on _Wuthering Heights. _It was pretty easy for a bookworm like me. Before I handed it up I drew doodles of how I imagined Heathcliff- in the guise of my master.

It was snowing outside and while all the other kids played and threw snowballs at each other, I remained unmoved.

"Eww. Fun kid stuff. I have to go inside and be emo now."

What? I had a reputation as the loveable buzz killer to uphold.

My dullness remained intact for most of the day. Mike joined Jessica and I as we walked into the cafeteria after Spanish. Then the ice in my veins turned to fire as I noticed something-there were _five _people at the Cullens' table.

Jessica pulled on my arm.

"Hello? Bella? What do you want?"

I all but dragged her to our table all the while whispering furiously, "OMFG! Don't look! Don't look! Don't look!"

Throughout lunch my minion's inquiries after my wellbeing were more tiresome than flies buzzing in my ears.

The Cullens were covered in snow like the rest of us, only they looked like they were starring in a very weird porno. Sadly, none of them stripped.

I studied the plains of my intended's face, trying to decipher what was different about him. Jessica rudely interrupted my inspection and at that exact moment Edward the Glorious flashed his eyes over to our table where he met my gaze.

I dropped my head in shame. What right had I to admire perfection with my naked eyes?

"OMG! Edward Cullen is staring at you!" Jessica whispered.

_Stop staring at him you stupid bitch! If I'm not worthy enough to look at him then you most certainly are not!_

"I still think he's gay. He's kinda emo himself so maybe he wants you to give him tips on how you get your hair so greasy."

I tuned out after her last comment and kept my eyes trained to the table, in case I gave into temptation and glanced over at his table again.

In Gym it finally happened- I killed a kid. Nobody cared as I am perfect.

In Biology I sat alone until my partner arrived. The chair squeaked as her sat down. I envied the chair as it was lucky enough to support his taut, spankable ass.

Then something I never expected to happen, happened. My master graced me with the sound of his voice. It was like birds singing, like that first note of music being played, like having honey poured into my ears. I dared to look up into his eyes as he spoke and I was immediately dazzled by his smile. His lips were indescribably beautiful.

"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen," he said before shaking his enviable bronze locks that were dripping with snow. When I was too overcome with lust to reply, he continued.

"Aren't you Bella Swan?"

How did he know not to say Isabella? I questioned him immediately.

He looked awkward for a moment before answering. When he eventually began speaking I was to busy listening to his rich, mellifluous voice to pay any attention to what he was actually saying.

"Well, everybody called you Isabella on the first day so I assumed that was your name but then I had to leave for a week which had absolutely NOTHING to do with you. While I was away I realised that I wanted to have your babies but sense sex before marriage is wrong I began writing my name as your husband-'Mr. Isabella Swan' and the like. But then I realised that I wanted a pet name for others to call me and Isabella seemed like a bit of a mouthful so on my return from Alaska I broke into your house while you were sleeping and read through some of your old diaries and you always sign off as 'Bella' so I knew I finally had a pet-name!"

At this point I had drooled over most of the desk.

"……What? Sorry, I didn't catch that."

"Oh, nothing important!"

We were doing a lab on mitosis today. Edward wanted to do it all himself but sense I had done the lab before I wanted to show off. We identified the different stages together. When we were finished I heard him utter, "Ah cell reproduction, so much better than sexual reproduction." My heart sank.

I suddenly realised what was different about him.

"OMG! YOUR EYES ARE A DIFFERENT COLOUR! Did you get contacts?"

His eyes had been black the other day when he had glared at me and now they were butterscotch. I didn't sound like a stalker at all.

After that we bonded a little.

"My parents are divorced and I have to live in this wet, windy down where I shake like a leaf when I walk outside!"

"You poor, fragile, little woman! You're far too selfless and noble for your own good!"

I wiped away my feigned tears, "Oh, I'll struggle on, I suppose! If only I could mask my feelings but I might as well be an open book!"

"On the contrary, I find you quite difficult to read!"

After that statement he started chuckling and even though I didn't understand I laughed along anyway.

When the bell rang, Edward bolted from the room with all the grace of a doe.

"Cullen doesn't seem to be suffering the repercussions of his menstrual cycle today! FYI Bella I prefer meiosis to mitosis…"

"Stop with the Biology talk Mike!"

"Sick of theory? Want a little practical examination?" he leered.

I kneed him in the groin and grabbed him by the scruff of his collar.

"Listen, Mike, if Edward Cullen doesn't want me, that doesn't mean I'll settle for a regular guy like you who has baby fat-"

"Hey! I have a baby face! Not baby fat-"

"Anyway, you better start worshipping me without the backchat!"

I released him and he helped me with my coat like a good, little, slave.

I ignored him as we walked to our respective cars in the school parking lot.

As I manoeuvred my truck out of my space I became caught between three separate cars. It would have been frustrating if Edward Cullen hadn't been laughing, but sense he was I obviously found it hilarious too. I went home happy- I had made good progress with my master today.

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**Thanks for reading!xxx**


	4. Phenomenon

**Hey guys, I'm sorry this has taken like 5 months to update...I'll try and finish the whole thing before the year is out! Thanks for all the great reviews!**

**Enjoy! R&R!**

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**Twatlight- Phenomenon **

When I opened my eyes in the morning, I sensed something different. Being an emo kid means that you becomes in tuned with nature and the elements. I sensed that the veil of fog that had shielded me from the harsh world had lifted and that I was now left at the mercy of the cold, unforgiving snow. Either that, or the light coming from my window was clearer than usual. Personally, I prefer to turn my ordinary, mundane senses into superpowers.

I groaned as I glanced out the window-the driveway was a deadly ice slick. I knew that as soon as I stepped foot out there that the neighbours would emerge from their hiding places to record my flailing about and send the contents to Candid Camera.

Then in the back of my mind, an idea formed. Charlie was a cop, right? I doubted he would mind if I got a helicopter to lift me from the roof and bring me to school. Heck, they probably had one ready at the station for me. I rejoiced at my own inner genius.

Alas, Charlie had already left for work so I couldn't pester him. Instead I basked in the silence of the house for forty minutes before realizing that I needed to get my ass in gear if I waned to get to school on time.

I threw down some cereal and orange juice before thrashing my way to the car door. Miraculously, no one was killed as I drove to school. No one was more surprised by this fact than myself considering that I had been thinking about Edward Cullen for the majority of the trip. Deep down I knew that it was unhealthy for him to hold such sway over me but seriously, wouldn't it be better to be some hot guy's possession than my own independent woman? Maybe I would be content to be single if I had the abs he had. I had only spied a glance at an outline of said abs through his shirt but I knew that they were enough to bring God himself to his knees in appreciation. Or perviness. Whatever.

I distracted myself from Edward by comparing my two slaves Mike and Eric and contemplating their strange fascination with me. I was sure I hadn't grown breasts since my move from Phoenix so it really didn't make any sense that the entire male population of the school had branded me "hot, hot sex toy" material. Sure, underneath my adorably shy and bookish exterior was a sexylicious supermodel waiting to pounce but they had all realised this too quickly for my liking.

I parked my truck at it's usual place at school, satisfied that the black ice had learned not to mess with me. I was an anaemic seventeen year old. The forces of nature were no match for me….or so I thought until I spied the snow chains that Charlie had applied to my tires. Huh, what a buzz kill. I mean how thoughtful of him. It was there at the back corner of the truck, that I heard an odd sound.

It was a high-pitched screech which I dismissed as a fellow fan girl greeting the Cullen's. The sound was so hard on my ears that I blocked them with my hands and started singing, all the while staring at my new snow chains.

From the corner of my eye I spied Edward Cullen standing four cars down from me, staring at me in horror. What was I doing wrong? Maybe I looked stupid, singing but not dancing. At the speed of light I stopped jamming my ears shut and began to brake dance. The second I removed my fingers from my ears the screeching resumed louder than ever. _Damn that fan girl has an impressive pair of lungs._ Then I noticed that the sound was getting louder and louder-

Suddenly something hit me hard. I was hurled to the ground and held there by an unmistakable individual. My master had finally given into our red hot, throbbing, mutual attraction and decided to take me here and now beside the tan coloured car that I had parked by. I didn't care. I knew I'd like it rough. Just when his white hands were about to cup my barely there bosom they seemed to shoot out protectively in front of me….

Holy crow! His hands reached out and created a dent in the side of a van! I then realised that an assassination attempt had been made on my life by a van which I had mistook for another deranged fan girl. I would never again trust a van, never sit in one without feeling cheap and violated.

The van stopped and then the screaming began. I could hardly focus on that sound as Edward Cullen's cold breath was tickling my ear.

"Bella? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I tried to distract him so that I could reach around and squeeze his very squeezable ass but he pushed me to the ground before I could reach my goal.

"I think you hit your head."

As my horniness started to recede I realised that he was right- there was a deep throbbing above my left ear. Before I could get too distracted by the pain something occurred to me.

"Hey, how did you get over here so fast?"

"Oh silly Bella, I was standing right next to you. We were discussing how little girls who don't know what they've gotten themselves into better shut up before getting their legs broken."

"What?!"

"Shhhhhh…it's all gonna be just fine."

I turned to sit up and this time he let me. Then his gold-coloured eyes made contact with my poo coloured ones and I couldn't focus on anything else. It was as if there were pools of honey at the very centre of his eyes. I wanted to lean forward and suck the substance out but not as much as I yearned to suck a different part of his anatomy.

All around us was chaos. Through hearing a few key words I gathered that it was Tyler's van that had tried to rape me. I didn't care that much, I could press charges later. The question that I kept coming back to was- _I wonder if Phallus Cullen is as cold as the rest of his body?_ I suppressed a shudder of desire.

"Bella, I was standing right next to you and that's how I managed to pull you to safety."

_Huh? _Oh right, that. "But I _saw you_."

"No you didn't!"

"Promise me you'll explain everything later over a candlelit dinner in the Volvo!"

"How dare you even THINK of eating in my precious baby!" he shouted before recollecting himself.

He sighed. It was a more harmonious sound than birds singing. "Listen…I'll explain later okay? Just promise to lie about everything for someone you don't know, even though it makes no sense!"

Finally, he was being reasonable again! "Deal."

Some mere mortals moved the van and while Edward wasn't forced onto a stretcher, I was. Boo fucking hoo.

To make matters worse, Charlie arrived.

"Bella!" he yelled in panic, engulfing me in a huge hug.

"Dad, I'm fine really-"

"Shhh…honey this is our chance!" he whispered excitedly, "Play up your injuries at the hospital and _pray _that we get Dr. Cullen. I hope he finds the distraught and worried father look hot."

_Like father, like daughter! _I admired Charlie's change of heart where it concerned Dr. Cullen. We were Swan's and that meant we had to fight for our men. It was nice that we finally had something to bond over.

We both had to suppress giggles in the ambulance so no one would suspect anything and once we finally arrived at the hospital we were buzzing with anticipation.

"Bella, I'm so sorry!" some random kid apologized to me once I had plopped myself down n the emergency room.

"Who are you again?"

"TYLER! Jeesh, I almost kill you with my truck and you still don't know you I am?! What the hell does it take for you to notice a guy?"

_A Phallus Cullen Happy Meal certainly wouldn't hurt._

I decided to be generous and offer the kid a bone….no not that kind.

"Listen, if my truck stops working at some point you can bring me places on your ridiculously scrawny back. We even now?"

His outrage vanished and was replaced with giddy mirth.

"Of course Bella! Don't worry, you won't regret this!"

He was in worse shape than me but he skipped out to the hallway without much strain. I could hear him talking on his phone. From what little I could make out it sounded like this- "….omigawd Mom you won't believe it! I just got promoted!"

With my good deed done for the day, there was nothing left to do but wait for my Master and Dr. McSexyback.

I was so happy that I didn't mind getting an X-ray done. After that I was returned to the emergency room where I threw grapes on the floor and watched Taylor eat them for the sheer amusement.

My Master graced me with his immaculate presence before I could get too bored.

"Hey, Edward, I'm really sorry-"

We both raised our hands to silence Tyler and he had the good sense to know that he was being dismissed.

"So, what's the verdict?" he asked me.

"There's nothing wrong with me, barring the insatiable need for Cullen seed-"

Sadly he didn't hear the rest of my pick-up line as right then, a doctor walked round the corner.

There are so many unnecessary and complicated adjectives I could use to describe the beauty of Dr. Carlisle Cullen but to save time, I'll summarise.

_Daaaaaaaaamn girl!_

I now understood why this hospital was one of the worst in the country. How could anybody focus on medicine with hot buns like those jiggling around the place all day? Charlie had good taste in man candy.

"So Miss Swan, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine doctor, not as fine as you but we can't expect miracles."

"Glad to hear it! Your X-ray looks fine and as long as your head feels okay-"

"It does."

"-then you can leave immediately. Your father is in the waiting room. He certainly is….friendly today."

_Attaboy, Charlie!_

I was sad to see the fine doctor leave but I didn't complain as it allowed me some alone time with the youngest Cullen. What can I say? I'm a cougar at heart.

"You owe me an explanation."

"I saved your life and let you press up against me like some kind of animal. I don't owe you _anything."_

I mock-flinched, hoping that he'd take the hint and we could play Spank the Bad, Bad Swan.

"Have I been…bad?" I fluttered my eyelashes at him, seductively.

"Are you having a seizure? I really do think you hit your head too hard."

"There's nothing wrong with my head!" Truthfully, I didn't care if he thought I was crazy, as long as he thought I was thin.

"If I wasn't standing right next to you, how do you explain what happened? Do you think I lifted the van off you. Pfff," he snorted.

"I-", I began.

"Can you just thank me and get it over with? I'm gonna be late for my date with one hot piece of metal."

"Thank you," I spat out, envying that Volvo more than ever.

He flounced off then and I soon followed suit.

Charlie looked like an over-excited school girl in the waiting room.

"What do you think, Bells? Isn't he dreamy?" he crooned.

"Yeah," I muttered half-heartedly. At least _one _of us had gotten to cop a Cullen feel.

Most of my classmates had turned up to make sure I was okay but I ploughed through them like I dreamed Edward would plough into me one day.

Charlie and I drove home in silence, both of us wrapped up in our own fantasies.

I had to call my Mom to reassure her that I was okay when we got home. I guessed that Charlie had blabbed about the accident when he had gotten over-excited about the prospect of meeting his intended.

Then I took some Tylenol and went to bed.

It was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen…..pity it wasn't one of _those_ kind of dreams.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**


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